Letters from J-Pod

https://www.wattpad.com/story/383821841-home-grown-my-sweetheart-sociopath

January 10th

Dear Mom,

This is all so surreal.  It is a test in strength and tolerance.  I try to imagine what you are going through as I go through various stages of this surprising incarceration I now find myself in.  It was certainly tumultuous at first.  Very scary and shocking.  Unbelievable.  A nightmare you can’t wake from.  But, I’ve made it through to this point and am “okay.”

I’ve had to put it in God’s (and Billy’s) hands to make this right and trust things will all work out.

I was placed in the Medical section the first day or two where nurses were uncaring and was totally isolated by design.  I tried to stay calm, but so many things were racing through my mind and emotions were so strong, it was very difficult there.  The worst part of this stay.

When brought into the Pod, J-Pod, at some time around 3:00 am I am placed in a very quiet area and rooms of sleeping women.  I get room 3 with two black girls, Marian aka Sissy and Stacy and I am on the floor.  They turn out to be super sweet and one a legal ace with a 20 year history in the system from fraudulent activities like checks, credit cards or identity theft.  I was able to learn a lot from her about our legal system, procedures, etc. and think I’ve been able to inspire her to possibly invest in real estate, maybe write a book or information on identify theft…how it’s done, what to watch out for, thinking a company could really use her “inside” information to help their security?  Something like that!  She’s supposed to get out soon on the also bogus charges she’s in here for and vows it will be her last time in jail (or prison).  I sure hope so.  She has a lot of potential, I think.  I told her if she had put that much energy into something legitimate, she’d really be somewhere now! 

She’s smart, personable.  I really hope she makes it!

Lots of crazy stories in here…mine being one of them!  Haha  I didn’t realize what a police state we are living in in this “Land of the free,” with so many rights being so blatantly violated and disregarded.  I am not the only one.  This is a strange comfort, yet a concern.  I won’t go into the tirade of injustices and fabricated charges many have described.  You can imagine.  It’s a very bad situation.

Of course, most of the women are here for methamphetamine.  That is also a really big problem.  Most are so stupid too!  And you know me…full of advice and telling many of my new found friends what they need to do or should do.  This place could really help this poor souls if they had counseling, some sort of vocational amenities…something!  It’s like nobody is even trying to fix the problem at all.  I guess it’s such a cash cow for the county, why fix it?  But I do believe that many could clean up their acts and really want to, but just can’t do it alone. 

On the other side of the coin, for many it is also a game, a way of life, exciting, some type of sub-culture…in and out of jail…hanging on the “outside”…blah, blah, blah.  What a waste!  Maybe they will all grow up eventually.

Now, after being here over a week, it’s a routine.  I’m starting to sleep a little better now that I’ve settled down some and have a bunk.  My new roomie is a younger girl who is sweet, and we are now on a self-imposed (me) work out schedule.  She’s trying to lose some baby weight still hanging on from a year ago.  The food is not so great, but I’m thankful to get what I get!  But I’ve sworn off the Kool-aid (real not figurative), any type of sweets and the bread!  Oh the bread!  Most of what we get is sugar and carbs…yuk!

I hope Evan is ok with his food.  I worry about him.  No sushi here!  Haha

I should have said I was a vegetarian when I checked into this place!  So, I’m going to try to stick with whatever veggies I can get, proteins and drink a lot of water.  I’m sure I’ve lost some weight by now from the stress, so I might as well keep going with it until my hearing o the 19th and keep with the exercising.  Maybe some good will come of all this, like getting skinny.  Ha!  What a way to lose weight!  The J-Pod Diet!

Today is a positive day.  There are surely extreme highs and lows in here.  Of course I worry a lot about the state of my life once this is resolved and my name is cleared.

I worry and think about Evan a lot too and have prayed much for his well-being, safety and future.  I have put the matter into the Universe and must trust and faith regarding everything involved here.  We had such a wonderful life plan that seems like it really didn’t get a chance to flower.  I wonder about having a family and getting married…first things first I guess.  Get out of jail first!  Haha  But it is still not something I am giving up on.  I will have a happy life and one I have dreamed of.  I am determined.  I will not give up on that.

While I have felt confused, upset, defeated, and powerless in moments, I know those are fleeting emotions and justice will prevail with perseverance and positive thinking.  I am NOT a criminal.  I have done nothing wrong.

I am truly blessed with such a wonderful family and appreciate all that has been done on my behalf since this began.  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you! From the bottom of my heart!  Without you, my hope would have been completely lost.  Also, the help at home as been a God send.

I will have a lot to do once I return and get out of here!  I hope I can salvage most of what was.  I can’t wait to see the dogs and the horses, my loves, be enveloped in the comforts of my wonderfully comfortable bed, eat some real food and best of all, be free!  You can’t put a price on that!

I am resting up now and gaining strength so I can fight the good fight for what I call my life and for those who have helped me, believed in me, and for the ones I love.

I will get through this, but not alone.

I am ok and working on a strong mind and body. (But my Chrons has flared up again.  Hopefully cutting off the bread will help.)  Biding my time for now.

With all my love,

Tess

PS – “I’m braless, pantiless with no tooth paste and no shampoo, whoa, whoa, in the Cherokee County Jail, what’s a girl to do?”  sounds like the next big country song!  Haha

January 18th,

Dear Mom,

I received your letter today!  Thanks for sending it!  And for the encouraging words!  I am so fortunate to have you and Sis in my corner, as well as the support from our family, although I wish we could have kept this embarrassment from them somehow.  Oh well, it is what it is and we’ll just have to get through it the best we know how.  Right!  J’

Jail Life has now become a routine and I’m doing my best to not freak out!  I just hope and pray to be able to get out of here soon.  I’ll know more of my fate tomorrow/Friday at my bond hearing.  Hope my laywer is as good as everyone says.

The Church Ladies came tonight.  There are two sets of them…Baptists and Soul/Gospel.  The Baptists are all fire and brimstone…they mean well, but are pretty scary.  The black ladies are so awesome and I enjoy them and their energy.  They really get everybody going.  They bring a boom box and cd’s, and sing!  They’re great!  It’s their calling to help the women in here!  I think they really do make an impact.

It’s been good to reconnect with God through their energy.  Much different then my own solitary prayers.

I also go ahold of a book by the fellow on PBS, Wayne Dyer, about the power of intention…his view of praying/manifesting and getting closer to “the source.”  It’s all good stuff.  Maybe that’s part of my purpose here…for me to appreciate, be humbled and get ready for my future as a more enlightened human being.  I’ve pretty much turned it all over to God and am at peace.  That’s really all you can do.

We are so not in control of anything, really.

Here is a cute saying from the book…

“Good morning!  This is God.  I will be handling all of your problems today.  I will not need your help, so have a miraculous day!”

I like that!

The gal in here who is the girlfriend of Evans friend who is also in trouble, she and I are becoming good friends.  She, like me, was completely blindsided by this whole thing, is a grandmother, never been in any kind of trouble before.  Her name is Diana and she’s a little school-marm type.  Very sweet.  We joked around saying she’s the head of this whole thing, Grandma Mathews and her gang.  Haha  Not really that funny under the circumstances, but there she was standing with these really big burly biker type guys in court, and she’s this 5 ft tall, little innocent lady, with her hair in a bun, glasses, etc.  Any body with any sense at all could see there was something very wrong with this picture. 

Diana is hanging in there too and her family is rallying around her.  I’m sure we will be friends for life after going through this ordeal together.

It has been very difficult for both of us as our hopes and dreams with the men in our lives have come to a screeching halt.  It all hangs in the balance and you question motives and if you can get any semblance of normalcy back?  I trust it will be resolved, but right now it is a slow resolve.  So slow.

I am very sad at the prospect of losing my sweet Evan and the life I hoped we could have together and any children we may be could have had.  I would have loved to have a family with him, but I am afraid that now the time is lost.  Even at my age now, I feel I am going into early menopause.  Probably accelerated due to this stress.

So much wasted time.  I so wish we could have some of it back!  I wish Evan would have focused more on me and our relationship.  I wish we could have had more joy and fun together.  He was so absent for so long.  It’s a sad situation, especially when you love someone so much, know what a good person they are and just realize they were on a misguided path.

I thought I could help him to see his potential and be the man I knew he could be and he really wanted to be.  But, if it’s true what they are saying about him, he has let us all down.  I can’t believe he would risk so much…so, so much.  Really everything that matters in this world, for something so stupid.  I guess one of his friends egged him on?  I just don’t know.

He has so much potential, was going to help me with my real estate company and was so excited about that!  Gosh, the real estate could make more money than what the authorities are saying of the pot stuff!  It’s ridiculous!  I can’t believe he put me/us in such a terrible position…such jeopardy.  I don’t want to believe it!

Hopefully, all is not what it appears.  But, as they say, love is blind.  I’m trying not to be blind any more.

Also, as they say, the truth will prevail.  That is what I am praying for.  Thank you so much for hanging in there.  I am so sorry you and the family are having to deal with this mess!  Thanks for standing by me and for supporting me in my innocence.

With all my love,

Tess

Dear Mom,

I hope things are moving along for you there.  Things are pretty much the same here…haha!  (funny, but not so funny)

I have been frustrated lately because of a few things…first, the phones here were reset and I have not been able to call you or Sis…any long distance numbers.  Hopefully it will get fixed and you will hear from me.  Second, the other girlfriend included in this mess, Diana, got out on a bond yesterday…she didn’t even have to go to court.  Her attorney “walked it through” and got sign offs from the District Attorney and judge, while my bond hearing was moved due to the ice storm to Tuesday which gave me five more days in here.  (sigh)  This is very frustrating, but I am trying to make the best of it and looking forward to Tuesday!  Maybe I’ll be able to see you and Aunt P then?

No other news other than I burned my tongue on my coffee this morning after heating it up in the microwave.  Ouch!  I drank some milk to try to make it feel better. 

My roommate Chrissie is very nice and has a lot of stories to tell about her life so far at the ripe old age of 25 and keeps it interesting.  We both think we are lucky to have ended up as roommates.  She is a real sweetheart.

Another gal who is a friend in here, was Diana’s roommate, fell out of the top bunk while sleeping the other night.  She was rather frail any way and we think she broke her wrist and maybe some ribs.  It is a shame, but I think she’ll be ok.  She is a very sweet Indian (Native American) woman and one of my future clients with 5 acres to sell and she wants something out of this county when she sells…for good reason.

I guess that is all for now.   I love you and Buster-Boy.  Can wait to see you!  Love to Sister too!

I’m hanging in there,

Tess

January 23rd,

Dear Mom and Sis,

I just receive my “order” from the jail store and am very happy to have my own paper, envelopes, toothpaste, floss, conditioner, a hair brush, coffee, cocoa, chapstick, lotion!  I feel like a human being again!  I also got a few packs of Ramen noodles, which are a staple around here.  I never thought Ramen could taste SO GOOD!  Also, a couple bags of microwave popcorn.  You smell popcorn all night in the Pod!

The Pod is set up in a triangle shape with stainless steel tables in the center and the four phone bank where we can call from.  It is two levels with a walkway and railing around the top.

Rooms have two bunks on the back wall, a small desk and seat, one shelf with towel hooks and a stainless sink and toilet combo.

The bed pad you are issued is barely enough.  A yoga mat would be better, but I’m glad to have it!  We get a cotton woven blanket, a canvas pad cover and a thin sheet, 1 small towel and 1 wash cloth.

Orange canvas uniforms with plastic slip on sandal shoes.  The linens are also orange and brown.  Not so glamorous.  But, the facility is newer, 3-4 years old, so it’s not too run down.  The showers are warm, at least and they have a curtain.  I’m thankful for that!

There is a microwave and hot water dispenser in the common area.  There are also two tv monitors, one at either end, but the volume is never turned up so you must read the dialog box at the bottom of the screen.  They are rarely on, but when they are, it’s usually on TBS and there is usually some really stupid movie on. We did get Animal Planet the other day and got to see a dog show and Pet Star.  That was certainly a highlight of my weekend!  But, it did make me heartsick for my doggies. My babies!  I love dogs!  They are the best.  Better than humans for sure!

Well, I’ve started on my outline for a book about this whole experience.  Now that I’ve got a pencil and paper I can get started!  I think it can be a good read and something people may be interested in.  I’m excited about it!  I’ll mail you chapters.  I don’t want to risk any pages being taken from me, so I’ll mail them to you for safe keeping, ok?

There are certainly lots of characters and stories in here.  Some tragic.  Some funny.  Also the fact that this is a predominantly White county…and the whole Meth issue.  The inner workings of a jail…would possibly be of interest to outsiders.  We’ll see.

Maybe someone will make a move out of!  Haha “30-days in J-Pod”

Tell my Aunties who helped with my lawyer fee that I’m writing a book.  They are Investors in it!

As to be expected, I am very anxious to get out of here and get back to my home, animals, work, etc.  I am giving it until the first week of February for the bond hearing.  I hope it can happen sooner, but that is how I’m pacing myself.  I think we can hold out tile then without resorting to contingency plans. 

I’m anxious to get things going with the rental property.  Have you given any thought to a home equity loan on it?  That would give us money to pay back what has been borrowed and to finish the repairs to get it ready to sell.  It can get repaid when it sells.  I was thinking approximately $30k.  It’s a good solution.  Nothing to be afraid of Sis.  People do it all the time.  You and Mom talk it over.

My stomach is no better, yet no worse.  I am trying to eat the best I can in here, but it is very difficult to do.  It you ate every piece of bread they give at meals, (total of 6 per day, 2 per meal), you’d eat two loaves a week!  And, if it’s not bread, it’s cornbread or some lump they call a biscuit, or noodles!  While you do get vegetables regularly, I have to say it’s the worst tasting corn I have ever had.  How does corn taste bad?  Peas are good.  Carrots ok. But when they serve rice, I am happiest.

Usually cereal or oatmeal in the a.m. with a little carton of milk or apple juice (sugar again).

Bologna with cheese slice sandwich for lunch or peanut butter.  Sometimes a chicken salad type thing that’s “ok.”

Meals for dinner are usually in a gravy over noodles or a soy type of thing that tastes like Salisbury Steak or chicken.  These are ok.  I like soy.

Any way, I thought you’d like to know what I was eating, Mom.  Or not eating!  Haha

Every now and then we get an Orange!  Or an Apple!  Maybe once a week.  These are great days!  It makes me think about what you told us about your Christmases as a child and getting an Orange or Apple was a special holiday treat!  I get it now!

Yesterday, a mean, younger guard with a chip on her shoulder sent bak our bananas…because of the chance someone would do something with one…smuggle it into their room and use it as a dildo!  Can you believe it!  I was really upset.  I would love to have had a banana (to eat!) haha  Oh well. No banana!

When I get out of here, I’m going to have a big salad with ranch dressing.  Lots of fruit!  A steak and baked potato!  Let’s make a date!  Long Horn

I’m trying to exercise and stay in shape.  I’m doing stretches and we walk around in circles.  Talk about a literal metaphor!  We walk around the common area at night…doing laps.  I am up to thirty sit ups, which is good for me.  And I’m working on different types of moves, exercises, etc. and wrote out a routine.

I can’t tell how much weight I’ve lost, but I know I’ve lost some.  The other gal, Diana, had a chance to get on a scale when she went to Medical and had lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 10-13 pounds. She had more to lose than me as she is built like you, Mom, but I’m thinking I’ve probably lost about the same amount.  At least 10 pounds I’m hoping!  I do feel skinnier.  The silver lining for all this.  Weight loss!

With the small portions I’m eating and the exercise, it makes sense.  Too bad they don’t offer vitamins or anything healthy from the jail store.  It figures!

I’m still hanging in there.  I hope you are too.  I feel better today and am more optimistic than I was on Friday after that ordeal in court…getting taken to a holding cell at 4:00 a.m., sitting there alone, cold on the concrete bench for three and a half hours until breakfast served at 7:30 a.m., sitting some more on the cold concrete bench for another hour.  Then, taken to the courthouse in handcuffs.  Sit in another cell for a few more hours.  Sit in court and listen to them make all these accusations…The State of Georgia vs. Tess Sanderson…scary proposition.

Go sit in a cell again for another hour or two.  Finally get taken back to the Detention Center.  Sit in a holding cell again!  Then, at last, get back “home” to the Pod.

Going to court is not so great, unless you get a good verdict.  Hopefully, next time!

Love, Tess

February 1st,

Hi Mom!

Got your letters yesterday!  Thanks for sending them!  Even though they are a little bit of old news, I still enjoy reading them and they are so encouraging.  I am hanging in as best I can.  My stomach is hurting more than it has ever since I’ve been here, but it is because I was so stressed out last night due to my bond hearing today and dreading being taken out at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning to sit in a freezing holding cell until 8:30 and then be driven over in handcuffs in a van to the courthouse.

Going to court…although good…is a very miserable experience.  The cold being the worst of it and being alone…if you are…the second.

I worried myself sick due to the sleet and ice this morning and my hearing was moved to next Tuesday.  Ugh

Evan’s friend who got a bond, has to go through “pre-trial” and it’s like probation where you have strict stipulations, must check in weekly by phone and monthly in person.  He cannot have any contact with his girlfriend or any one else involved.  I wonder if mine will be the same?

You asked about the food here, showers, if I’m cold, etc.  Yes, I’m cold!  I bought some thermals from the store and also have two pair of socks now and a t-shirt!  I did get a pair of underwear (finally) and ordered another the week before, so I now have two pair of underwear!  Hallelujah!

Our room is probably one of the warmest, being upstairs.  We are guessing it’s about 66-68 degrees.  It’s stark and chilly mostly, but if you move around, drink hot water or coffee, cuddle up in your blanket…double up the cotton throw and use your canvas pad cover like a sleeping bag or an additional cover on top, it’s bearable.  If I didn’t have my socks and thermals, I’d be very cold.

The showers have warm water and I’m thankful for that.  They aren’t steamy hot, but that’s ok.  I’ll take luke warm over cold any day!  You push a button and it sprays for about 10 seconds and then you have to keep pushing it over and over.  Like in a campground or something.  They are at least private showers, not group, which is good.

As I’ve mentioned before, the food.  Not much else to talk about.  Sorry to be redundant.  It’s palatable at best.  Barely.  But when you’re hungry, you eat what you get.  As a Depression Baby, you know what it’s like to be hungry, I know.  They have a set schedule / menu of what you get each day, each week.  We did get a small portion of cabbage the other day that made me think of you!  I gobbled it up.  It was the first time we had anything leafy or close to a salad at all since I’ve been here.  It’s usually peas, carrots or corn.  Sometimes mashed potatoes, fake, and they like to put gravy on everything!  Mostly yuk! 

They mix it up from spiral noodles with gravy, to rice with gravy of course!  Sometimes we get Salisbury Steak or Chicken soy type patties, which are ok, or some type of soy burger, which is also ok.  Hot dogs in mushy beans, bologna sandwich with bag of chips (oh normalcy).  Jello or pudding.  And I’ve told you already about all the bread.  Bread, bread and more bread, or biscuit think or corn bread.

Oatmeal, hard boiled eggs or small bit of scrambled, cereal or grits, or a biscuit with of course gravy on it, are the choices for breakfast mainly.  Their coffee is too terrible to drink.  Really, really bad.  Saving grace is the instant you can buy from the store.  It’s the crack commodity of the Pod.

I try to be selective on what I eat.  The stuff from the store makes up the difference, but still no fresh veggies.  You can get tortillas from the store and a microwave rice type thing and make burritos, which are pretty good.  I’m learning from the other gals the art of microwave jail cooking!  They even made a cake for a woman here on her birthday out of something, I’m not sure what… a candy bar and twinkie mixed up together?  They are very innovative when it comes down to it!

I also got some tuna fish and crackers from the store.  The Ramen noodles are good, like I mentioned before.  Often, girls save stuff from meals and add to their noodles or rice, but they could get in trouble for it (not much) and you really don’t have anything to put it in other than your cup.  We don’t get napkins or paper towels.  Now THAT has been a MAJOR adjustment!  I bought a plastic bowl for my cooking/eating of store stuff and a larger plastic cup/tumbler.

There is always Kool-aid made, but it’s too sweet and causes urinary trat infections, so I stay away from that.  If/when I do drink it, I dilute it a lot.  I think it’s the same mixture as the jello. I try and drink water as much as possible.  There is a soda fountain dispenser on the drink station/sink thing that holds the kool-aid dispenser, hot water dispenser, and microwave.  I like to think the water is filtered somehow.  This is where I get my drinking water.  It doesn’t taste bad, so I think I'll be alright.  But, I don’t want to ask about it and burst my bubble!

I’ve had four roommates so far.  The first two Stacy and Sissy, the two sweet black women.  Stacy is still here.  Sissy is out and I guess back at KFC/Taco Bell.  The other two were young girls in here for dumb stuff…under age drinking, probation violation…testing positive for something when checking in or whatever.  They were sweet, but young and dumb.  Like I can talk, right?  I’m not young, but I guess I’m dumb too!  Haha

I hope I encouraged them a little with all my advice.  Passing it on from you Mom!  Maybe even talked them into getting into Real Estate.  I think if I was 20 years old today, it would be really hard to be a wild one.  Times sure have changed in the last 15-20  years. 

My latest roommate, Chrissie, is 31.  She has two young children, is a very hard worker, and is in here for driving on a suspended license…while she was trying to get to work!  She was very upset due to the circumstances that brought her here…a roommate not paying the rent with the money she gave them, getting evicted and then brought in when the evicting sheriff puller her up on the computer and the ticket showed up.  They would not even let her get any of her kids pictures, birth certificates or anything and took her in, leaving all her things on the street.  Wow!  Unbelievable.  So uncompassionate.  Some servants of the people.

I used to think our police officers were compassionate and respectful, but unfortunately not all are as they should be…at least not in this county…the younger ones in particular. Very snotty.  And the female officers here, treat everyone in the Pod like little children.  They are condescending and disrespectful.  I remember what you said about small minds in positions of authority.  It’s a scary proposition.  Don’t get me wrong…they don’t “do” anything to you in here…it’s just the petty things…verbal mostly…the banana incident.

What that officer did to poor Chrissie…over a traffic citation…I think was inexcusable as a human being.  She didn’t have much as it was, and now has nothing left.  Her kids were with her mom in South Georgia thankfully, where she is from, and she does have the remainder of her possessions there at least.  But, like I said, she was working really hard as a waitress, trying to get established with her husband up here.  A hardworking young couple, trying to make it.  But with a few set backs along the way, and then one fail swoop, got it all pulled out from under them, thanks to the roommate.

I guess a big lesson here and something I’m hearing over and over again…is that it’s usually an association with another person that leads to your demise or legal problems, whether it’s a roommate, boyfriend, friend or whoever…big lesson for me for sure!

Chrissie is from Okie Phenokie Swamp land near the Georgia Florida border.  She’s a red head with a long ponytail and freckles.  A very pretty girl and very nice.  She’s not bass like most of the others.  We are talking about a few ideas for patents.  Her dad is a welder and “gave away” a patent to Caterpiller, a part of mechanism that made the equipment stronger somehow and they even named it after him…Byrd-T or something like that.  But he just gave it away over a steak dinner she said.  Sounds like something Grandy Bill would do!

Any way, Chrissie had horses before and we talk about that, among other things.  She’s had turtle soup before and gator bites too!  Haha  She reminds me of the character from Toy Story, cowgirl Jessie.

Chrissie is working on getting a bond so she can get back home down south and get busy re-establishing herself down there, having had enough of Cherokee County, which is a constant refrain here along with “never coming back again.”  We’ll see about that in my case.

So I wait now for Tuesday.  I’ll have the money order from Aunt Joey sent here, just in case. I’m ok with Ramen, rice and tortillas until then.  I am so hoping to be home next week and able to get back to work myself!

I love you Mom.  I am doing ok.  It will be ok…eventually.  You just take care of yourself.  If anything happened to you while I was in here or because I was in here, it would kill me.  I am so sorry to have put you through all this.  An old lady like you shouldn’t have to deal with this type of worry.  I am so sorry.

Tell Sis, Aunties and Cousins, I send my love and gratitude.  I am trying to stay optimistic and all that.  Hopefully this will all be over soon.

Love, Tess